lobby jobby

When did Netflix start getting the best of me? I had this plan that I was gonna live in this nunnery, sleep on air matresses and watch a movie every night.  Occasionally, I would drink free wine and listen to lil wayne.  Occasionally, every night.

That being said, I’m happy to not care about shitty DVDs.

That being said, I’m happy.

fun times.

Last Sunday, a baby called me “daddy.”

Last Friday, a man kissed me.

Last Saturday, my shirt was eaten.

In addition to these things, best weekend ever.

t-9

The Carpenters once said “awesome.”

I did too.

t-10

George Washington once said “It’s not the might of a man that makes him strong, it’s the strength of the mite that makes him weak.”

Actually, he didn’t say that.  I did.

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.

nevermind.  back to basics : /

although, the basics include me, movies and wine, so all should be ok.

Things Fall Together.

It’s been a while.  Sorry internet.  I got busy doing nothing.  I’d like to say that this hiatus was spent doing something really cool.  I’d like to say I was getting really good at uppercuts, lending haircuts, writing the great hungarian comic book.  Instead, I spent the time being happy.  Lame, right?

I also drove out east.  Waaaaay east.  To Pendleton.  It’s almost Vermont.

I also did, at least, one ridiculous thing (i.e. ridiculously stupid).

I also remembered good things.  And what it’s like to feel nervous.  And how to feel like your 19, in the best way possible.

And not feel like this:

Umm…destruction

So, for real, a one-armed man crashed his shit into my shit.

CMP make ya drop it like it’s hot.

Seriously, he had one prosthetic claw hand.

My truck is fine.  More importantly I am better than the best divided by two multiplied by a fraction.

Less importantly that new Jamie Foxx jam has a video.  Said video has motherfuckin’ Ron Howard as a featured member of a party scene.  If this makes sense to you, you must be at least 7 drinks deeper than me.  Hype Willians is trying to return to form, but he will never top “Belly,” or any of the other shit he made 10 years ago.  Seriously, Ron Howard?

new neighbor.

I have a new neighbor.

The lost puppy in me says “will you be my friend?”

I imagine manventures and foodventures and spontaneous comedyventures.  We would probably hang out at a cafe or bar.  I would tell a couple funny stories and she would listen and laugh and comment on my false-intellect and absurd wit.  In turn, she would say something thoughtful, challenging and possibly cute.  With-in a month, we would have six kids, quit our jobs and spend the rest of our days traveling, taking photos.

Sadly, that’s not just not gonna happen.

First of all, her door mat is all wrong.  It looks like a monster ate a hippy, chugged some robotussin and vomited a weird patty of cloth and hair.

Then she wore excercise clothes while moving-in.  I mean, excercise? What’s that?  I had to google the word just to find the proper spelling.  Seriously, I searched for “escerziuse.”  Embarrassing, right?

Finally, and this is the big one – she wears her shoes in-doors.  IN-DOORS!!!!  On that beautiful bamboo flooring, no less.  And she walks with such grace!  Sounds like a mastodon raping a horse.  I did a google search to see if I could actually find an image of a mastodon engaged in coitus, sadly I found nothing.  But, I did find this drawing:

That shit’s pretty cute, right?  Probably way cuter than my neighbor.

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Do you remember when Jesus made that basket full of bread and whole fishes so his people wouldn’t starve?  That was so nice of him.

update.

Things:

1. I’m interested in the concept of psychological peaks and valleys. Mainly, what would happen to a person if they were to go from one to the other within an instant.

Example:

At the apex of coitus with the most beatiful girl ever, she whispers in your ear that she is actually your long lost sister, you now have AIDS and she just became pregnant. Also, she videotaped the whole thing and is going to sell it on the internet unless you play in the blood of your beloved Golden Retreiver, Judi.

Bummer, right? What would a person do? I’m not totatlly positive, but they might need some retail therapy. Apparently, it’s not cool for guys to use that term, but I do it anyway.

Like, I heard this funny thing a while ago and I needed some retail therapy. It’s true. I bought a Nintendo DS, a canister vaccuum, a book and some new Nikes. Afterward, I felt pretty good for about three hours.

2. As a result of how much I like my new shoes, I am considering hiring a fashion consultant. And by fashion consultant, I mean, any girl who is not blind. And by hire, I mean not actually pay.

3. My truck will cost about $750 to get repaired. It’s totally depressing. Good bye insentive check. Hello more credit card debt. The worst thing is, I can’t afford to retail therapy my way out of this bummer.

4.

I have been working a zillion hours the last three weeks and it’s starting to wear me down. Plus, everyone is going on vacation. I just need two consecutive days off and a mini-jaunt somewhere fun to restore me. Slumgullion ought to do the trick.